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May. 10th, 2015

thinking about him alot today
today was a weird day
i guess thats ok
to be expected
but it kinda caught me off guard
ive been feeling so good
im gonna travel
going to see my godbaby
then off to LA
ill pop up to SanFran
after that...
who knows?
just the thought of it makes me so excited
i feel happy
and alive
and ready to conquer
i guess it goes to show you
i come here to write
when things are going down
but now im thinking about a blog
for my travels
ill be writing again
on a regular basis
and it is for a good cause....



right now that all i can think is
i can be awakened
and enlightened
and grateful
for all i learned from him
from us
but i can still be MAD
and today I am MAD
i have to go clear everything out of the apartment today
and i think alot
is going to end up in the trash
and i guess thats ok

i prefer the days when i feel hope
but today
i just feel angry
hot angry tears are streaming
down my face
and i want to scream
or break something
or hit something
but i just have to breathe
and move all this crap
and throw away us
throw away the pain
and try
to move on...


i went to bed with him on my mind
i dreamt of him
we reconciled
not back together
but laughing
and talking and touching

so that means i woke up
thinking of him too
i cant remember the reasons
were apart right now
it flows in and out of my mind
clouded by what we were
what i THOUGHT we were
but we weren't

music still makes me hurt
but it also makes me think
and feel
which is good
i guess
this doesnt feel very helpful today...
so i guess im done.

I Will...

i gave in today
i unblocked his facebook
nothing new
i looked at that stupid twitter
still private
new posts...
what makes me sad these days
is what could have been
the whys
and the why nots
and the what was he thinkings?
but a part of me appreciates it
because it was true
and it was real
and the end was horrible
and crushing and
but it was also okay
it was what it was
and it taught me to trust with my whole self next time
next time
it taught me there could be
a next time
i do believe in love
and this has strengthened that
it will
i know my heart will heal after this
and i believe
that one day ill think of him
and smile
and and look and the new HIM
and ill know that the pain of losing Garrett
led me to the intense pleasure
of finding HIM
one day

this was an awfully hopeful post
i do feel hopeful
i feel like i can breathe
and when i dont
i can still remember
that i will..
i will love
and live
and be...

I will...


its 6:30am
and im wide awake
all i want is to sleep in
to forget everything
for a little bit longer
now im wide awake
and its all real again
i guess thats ok
i have to get used to it
but couldn't i have waited til 8am at least
its so early
i want to be normal again
eat like a normal person
sleep like a normal person
i want to wake up with this rock out of my chest
it physically crushes me
until i cant breath
i have to do something
to get this thing
but i dont know what to do
stay calm yes
i just want to get high until
i cant think or pass out

Wide awake,

That's it...

well that's it.
i asked if he wanted his stuff back
his friend passed away
i said i was sorry to hear
he said thanks for the concern
but leave him alone
"sorry but i don't want you in my life"
im not sure i do either
but somehow its harder
to see it in black and white.

so thats really it
i told him i care
always will
i told him he taught me alot
at least i said my piece
it wasnt out loud
it wasnt too his face
but maybe its better this way
we can both move on
with our memories of eachother
and build new futures
who knows what will happen
i may never speak to him again
then again maybe i will
that is not for me to say
or to know
maybe its better that way
i can move on
and be happy
maybe hell see that
and be happy for me
or maybe hell be sad
or both
i don't know what i want
but i know i cant concern myself
with what he thinks
or how he feels
not anymore...
because thats it...

Another hard day....

today is another hard day
i woke up and my chest hurt
i took a shower and tried to relax
kate offered me some of her old clothes
i tried things on in the bathroom
and almost collapsed.
some days i feel ok
and like i can be happy again
tosay is not one of those days
usually the morning is the worst and it gets better
as i come to terms
with reality
and thats ok.
nit not today
today i looked in the mirror
and i saw the man i miss so much
i saw everything i am missing
everything i could have been
with him

somehow i cant see
all the things i know i can
i cant see the futures
and the new people
and places
and experiences
not today
today i feel a crushing pain.
like someone is sitting on my chest
and wont let me breathe
like he used to
God he used to....
sometimes it was fun and happy and true
sometimes it was painful and hurtful
and i couldn't breathe.


1 Week....

So it's been one week.
I don't think about him
quite so much
during the day.
but at night
i still dream of him.
sometimes we're together again
sometime i tell him we're truly done
sometimes i don't even know
he's just there.
I guess I can still say it's getting easier
i guess
but today is a hard day




i didn't cry today
mornings are the hardest
i usually get tighter and tighter the longer i'm awake
anxiety, depression, heartbreak, loneliness...
the feeling is still there
but i haven't cried today
it's early, but i am closer to happy than i was
it was a good day
mary ellyn, mary jo...helped
time with dad and kate....relaxing
i can do anything ten seconds at a time
i am started to see possibilities of the future.
real possibilities
in ,my head
thoughts of future loves
and future successes
and maybe even future heartbreak.
But I'll be okay
For the first time
I think
I might be ok...


He taught me.....

So he moved in with me
he moved out
were over
its all over
i broke his trust
and looked through his ipad
i found a nasty twitter
filled with celebrities and porn
and mallory....
and a craigslist ad
men seeking men, for head.
i didnt say anything until the next day
he pulled out his ipad
and the evidence was gone
he had to of erased it.
it wasn't me
he says it wasnt him
so who was it?
were over because....
I can't believe him, his denial
He won't admit the truth, he won't give me answers
He believes we can't be together even if he told the truth
I'm not sure but i still want to try.
I miss his touch and the sound of his voice and his laugh
Every second of every day since he left on April 3.
I wonder if he does too....
OH GOD....
It's only been 2 days and i still cant breathe.
I want him back I truly do but I don't even know what I would say to him.
Last time this happened we had a chance.
This time,
I'm not sure we do.
This time,
could really be the end.
I have to remember that everything happens for a reason
and this is all going to push me towards whatever comes next.
This may look like catastrophe now,
But I have to remember that it is
He taught me that....
He taught me a lot....

I still love him....